Ripples and Echos: Why Telling Your Story Matters Part 1
I have an old email address that I don’t use much anymore. You, know that one you can’t delete because it’s tied to too many things? And you were a different person when you made it and it’s too embarrassing or just not quite right anymore?
In 2015, I wrote an article called 50 things I learned in the year since my best friend died. I didn’t know what to do with the thing, so I posted it on my Facebook and left it. It wasn’t until someone suggested submitting it to a website that I threw it out in the world to see what happened.
ThoughtCatalog picked it up. And while mostly known for their listicles, they do get a lot of traffic to their website.
The main reason I continue to check that email is to scan for any mention of the words: [Reader Mail]
When I see that, I know someone needs me.
Even 5 years later, there are people who want to talk about the things I said in that list.
Last September, when the world was a place you could more freely move, I was in Vancouver for a marketing conference. I had accidentally signed into the wrong email but before I clicked away I saw the magic words: [Reader Mail]
Hi Jessica – I just read your column about what you learned after a friend died a year later. First of all – thank you – you answered plenty of questions I’ve had as I begin my journey. I was also wandering if you had time for a quick phone conversation – I’m having trouble finding people that can relate to the feelings I’m feeling. Let me know! Thanks!
His name is Nick, and his best friend is dead too.
Rachel died in a car accident. I think about car crashes a lot.
Something that stood out to me about Nick is his insistence that we speak on the phone. This was new to me. But I accepted.
We chatted for almost an hour. He just needed to talk to someone who “got it.” And you know what? I needed that too. I talked about April, about my grief, about how I coped. I shared the things that I still do not understand. I admitted that I have no answers or solutions, only experiences.
As we went to hang up the phone, I could hear the smile on the other end.
“Thanks April, take care.”
I smiled.
“Thank you, you too.”
[1 new message]
You are not alone.
It’s a bit of a strange moment when someone accidentally calls you by your dead friend’s name. It didn’t hurt at all though. I felt something relax in me, and my smile was genuine. I don’t really care if it doesn’t make sense, but for a moment, she felt very much alive in me.
I want to share the words of the bereaved. Not just any bereaved, but the lonely ones. The ones that wrote to a stranger about their pain instead of the people closest to them.
And it went like this.
Thank you for writing about the grief of losing your best friend. I lost mine in June 2018 and nobody, except for your article, has understood that pain or journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Jessica, Last year on July 25, I lost my best friend (my cousin AJ) to pancreatic cancer. He was 50, 4 days from his 51st birthday. We just commemorated the 1 year anniversary of his death and his birthday a little over a week ago. I had a bit of a mental breakdown at work this morning thinking about him and had to head to the restroom to finish my cry. I later found your article. While not all 50 things translate from female to male, I really appreciated reading it and it gave me comfort and hope that it will get better. I have bookmarked your article and will refer to it often. Thanks very much for it! Just wanted you to know that it helped a guy in Pennsylvania. I hope your grief continue to get better as well.
I printed this one year ago after my best friend suddenly died. I did not think I would ever be a happy person – but yesterday I received a letter from the person who now has his heart – and I went back to the file where I placed your advice – it has been so helpful and everything you wrote is true and has helped. Thank you so much
Thank u so much for your article on how to cope when bestfriend dies. My best friend passed away three weeks ago and im having major difficulties dealing with it. Your article helped me. How long ago did your friend pass away and how are you doing now? Every day i just feel like i cant go on without her. She was my everything.
I just wanted to let you know, that your article touched me I lost my best friend about 2 years ago and coping with it has been the hardest thing for me to do! But coming across your article makes me understand I’m not the only one who’s gone through this
Hello, I know that this may not be so much as relevant anymore but I feel the need to express this. My best friend passed away almost 2 years ago, due to a car accident caused by something medical happening at the wheel, but was found undetermend. I was 14 at the time of her death, now im 16 and in these two years I havent found the proper words and ways to express how I feel and what I feel. Your article about 50 things I’ve learned in the year since my best friend died was the rawest, truest display of emotion I could find. Not only did it make me sob but it gave me a sense of hope, one I could not find in myself. Thank you for inspiring me and publishing one of the best articles ive ever read.
Tell Your Story
Even the ugly parts.
I know their names and these little glimpses of them, but not much else. I know some of the names of the ones they love. Some of my emails boucned back; as if they had suddenly disappeared after writing to me. They are all precious to me.
The last message was sent in 2017, and earlier this year I decided to follow up. I don’t hold my breath. Years pass, people move on. But, because the last girl was so young, I felt a special pull to check in on her. She responded almost immediately.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been to be honest. Everything is going great for me. I hope everything is well with you! I still think about you and still read that article at least once a week.
You know what? I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been too.
I didn’t write the list thinking it would be the start of something. I wrote it because I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I needed to breathe. I didn’t know writing down the things that were in my head would lead to me pursuing writing, getting my diploma in Creative Communications, writing a book, starting a death doula business, and bringing me here. I just had a story and I felt like I needed to express myself. I wondered if I shouted it out, would anyone shout back?
The echos are endless.
I am so grateful.
Next week I will be working on ways to tell your own story. If you have any thoughts or questions, please contact me at hello@friendattheend.ca