Singing for April: Grief and Birthdays

In the year 2000, Sandra Bullock starred in Miss Congeniality, a rom com where our goddess Ms. Bullock, a police officer, goes undercover as a contestant in a beauty pageant to catch some sort of sinister criminal.

I don’t remember. Does it matter?`

As is cliche, all beautiful women must be stupid and vapid.

As William Shatner, the pageant host, asks contestants what their perfect date would be, one contestant chirps:

"That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th, because it's not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket."

April 25th.

My dead best friend’s birthday.

I have spent most of my life not daring to love my own birthday. But I have loved my friend’s birthdays.

There are about 50 photos of me as a child on various birthdays, red-eyed and squirming out of my high chair. I hated when the lights would go out and everyone would sing in haunting vibrato. Who thought this was a good idea? It’s not even a good song.

Happy Birthday sing FATE 3.png — i hated when the lights would go out

and everyone would sing to me.

I didn’t like singing it to other people either, I would just mumble along, not wanting to sing the wrong note.

But I did love my best friend’s birthday.

She always had the coolest cakes. Ice cream cake, of course, and it was always emblazoned with neon icing figures of her favourite things: lipstick, a dog, flowers, stars, hearts. So cool.

We would play games at her house when we were kids, which then evolved into party bus tours and karaoke nights and too much tequila.

I helped plan her last birthday. I phrase it like I knew it was her last, but all things considered, I think we did well. A surprise at her house, then a night of karaoke. I wish I hadn’t left when I did. I wish I had sung up on stage. Instead, I pretended to be cool in my leather jacket. 24 and absolutely suffocating with my anxiety and inferiority.

But I loved watching her sing. Backstreet Boys were always a good go-to. Throwback 90’s, country, classic rock. She could do it all. And she would screech her notes and point up in the air and to her friends. A shy girl who could unleash her inner rockstar at any moment.

I should have stayed.

I should have sung.

Sound wave 3.gif — I should have sung.

Belt it out. Point to the sky.

I started buying flowers on her birthday. For myself.

I felt selfish at first. Why should I get flowers on her birthday? But in the first year, I left them at the cemetery. It was so cold. I guess I believe that beauty should be appreciated by the living. She is either everywhere, or nowhere. So she can sit at my dining table and smell them with me.

I don’t always know how to celebrate her, or myself. But I’ve made some progress.

I buy myself flowers. Other people buy me flowers.

I try to ask for what I want on my birthday. Even if I feel selfish.

I allow myself to be celebrated.

I cry.

I write letters.

I try to make people feel special, while they are still here.

I try to show up, and when I show up, I try to be present.

I sing Happy Birthday loud and off-key. I make sure everyone hears me.

April loved Miss Congeniality.

But the truth is, where we live, April 25th is not the perfect date. Here, you will need much more than a light jacket. You likely still need to wear your winter coat and a scarf. We always get a fresh dump of snow around that time.

But you do know that spring is around the corner. Prairie folk earn their warm days. We emerge and shed layers and blink into the light that was stolen from us for months.

April 25th is a day that I get to hold close to me. It thaws me. I think of her laugh and her karaoke voice and her customized cakes.

And the way she never cried when we sang.

Happy Birthday FATE.png — I sing loud and off key.

I make sure everyone hears me.