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I’ll admit, I am struggling as I write this. We are collectively going through a transformation as a planet and as a species. There is a lot of hurting in this world, and sometimes I am self-conscious about speaking about more death and pain. But as I grow, learn, and speak up, the more I realize how much talking about a difficult thing can take the edge off. And the more I learn, the more I feel compelled to educate and support people and help them live their best lives. And I believe confronting these painful subjects can actually empower us and help us live wholly.

I hope these 5 considerations can help you feel a sense of relief. There may be surges of anxiety as you reflect on them. That’s completely normal. Considering our own mortality as fact, not possibility, can be distressing if we haven’t spent time with it before (and even if we have.)

One of my mandates at Friend at the End is to help change the way we think. Not as a failure, not as something to avoid, but to embrace as much as possible. I believe that not talking about something creates a sort of chronic, aching fear in us. Even though speaking about something is initially terrifying, when we speak in a supportive setting, we can demolish and rebuild our belief systems. For those of us who have not experienced an unexpected loss, you may not understand how traumatic, exhausting, and overwhelming it can be to sort through the life and belongings of someone who thought they were going to live forever.

Just as we invest time and energy into other important life decisions: education, job, marriage, we should also embrace the need to do that for the end of our lives.

1. Take time to consider what sort of end of life, death care, and burial you’d like.

Even though we may see it as morbid, we can be empowered through knowledge and self- reflection. I recently had a wonderful conversation on my Instagram about burial options. People came up with some great ideas! However, a lot of misinformation exists surrounding burial options and care for the body. For example, did you know that you do not need to be embalmed? Or, if you want to become a tree, you need to know the difference that being cremated beforehand makes. I will continue to share what I learn about end-of-life and burial options, but do some googling, ask around, find empowerment in your research.

I love my generation, but a lot of us have a very flippant attitude toward end of life and after death care. We’re basically a bunch of Bernies from Weekend at Bernie’s. Prop us up and live your life. Toss us in a hole and we’ll be fine. And while I appreciate and even adore our collective nihilism, we still need to practice empathy for those who are left to actually put something into action at the time of our death.

Leaving a paper trail and/or verbal instructions on a few preferences can go a long way. Take time to learn. Revisit your options regularly.

2. Complete your Care Directives and your Will.

Listen, I hate paperwork. But, it’s gotta get done. As I’m writing this, I am putting off at least 3 different piles. So, as you read this, just keep in mind I am currently a huge hypocrite. Advance Directives AKA Health Care Directives are forms that give direction to family and medical staff as to what your wishes are in terms of health care. These forms can include preferences regarding treatment for injury or illness, what types of medical intervention you consent to, and what a good quality of life would look like for you following disease, illness, or injury.

You should also assign a health care proxy, which is someone (a friend or family member) who will act as your advocate if you were unable to do so for yourself. One of the most critical aspects of this paperwork is not the forms themselves but making sure you have given copies to your doctor and to your health care proxy. You must communicate your wishes, and be aware that these documents are not legally binding, but when used as intended, can help you live the quality of life you want.

As for a Will, well that’s definitely legally-binding. This document protects you and your loved ones and can help create a clear path during a messy time. Even if you don’t think you have a lot of wealth to spread around in the event of your death, a will is still important and can prevent some pretty nasty fights.

Lawyers, doctors and doulas can all help support you in getting organized and making sure everything is taken care of. Don’t be scared! I promise it will be worth it.

3. Create an “In Case of Death” file folder somewhere in your home (and have backups at a second location/online.)

This could include copies of your care directives and will, but also things like passwords, funeral wishes, a list of songs that are meaningful to you, letters to pass along after you have died, etc. At age 31, I am already working on this. It may seem premature, but I would rest easier knowing that all my important information was well-organized for my family to find.

I have written a general “In Case of Death” letter that I would hope would bring my loved ones a bit of peace. Getting into specifics is on my to-do list, but in the meantime, I try to savour the moments I have with the people I love, I tell them how I feel, and I speak openly about death. Paper trails are important because they cover the logistics and legalities of things. Communication about those paper trails is equally important.

While you may end up as dust, you don’t need to leave your family in it.

4. Organize your life.

This may be something we don’t think about until we are older, but after reading The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, I came to realize how important it is to possess things that bring us joy (as we learned in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.) I also learned not to leave a mess for our loved ones.

The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning is a great simple guide to how to communicate our wishes for our belongings, and how to organize them in case of death. We must remember that holding onto things for the sole purpose of thinking someone else will enjoy them can detract from our quality of life. In fact, leaving a massive clean up for our children, friends, or relatives, can create unresolvable tension between them and our former selves. There’s a lot of talk about the importance of first impressions, but don’t forget the impact of last impressions. Leaving your children or loved ones with the arduous task of sorting through decades of possessions leaves an unresolvable strain on that relationship.

Most other people won’t talk about this, but if you have a tickle trunk of “goodies” feel free to label it as “please immediately dispose upon my death” or, simply, “vegetable taxes.” Nobody cares about vegetables or taxes. Into the trash it goes. I have also specifically told my brother to “blast my cache” upon death. Which is a fun way of saying “please delete my browser history.”

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

When we make decisions regarding our health, end of life, and death care, we need to make sure we have a support system that knows what we want and can advocate for us. When we make a new decision, write it down, record it, report it, share it. I cannot stress enough the importance of sharing our thoughts, needs, and desires with our families and communities.

You deserve a good life and a good death.

If you have questions about end-of-life planning, please contact me.

5 Things You Can Do to Prepare for Your Death

1. Take time to consider what sort of end of life, death care, and burial you’d like.

2. Complete your Care Directives and your Will.

3. Create an “In Case of Death” file folder somewhere in your home (and have backups at a second location/online.)

4. Organize your life.

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate.